If you’re human, you’re probably a “fixer”.
When someone looks like they might need help, most of us get that itch to dive in and be useful. Put the shoe on the other foot, however, and the dragon of shame forces those fixers away. Nobody gets what they need.
Here are the fixer and fixee in a real conversation…
“You have to let it out.”
“Do I? Who says anyway?”
“THEY say it’ll fester and lead to ulcers and more.”
“I can’t. It’s too painful. I’m pretty sure I will combust.”
“Pretty sure you will anyway.”
“What does getting it out look like?”
“The phoenix rising. Just kidding (kind of). They say it looks like therapy, breathwork, brain work, screaming into your pillow, progressive muscle relaxation, loving-kindness meditation, and so much more. They say colors will be brighter and food will taste more exquisite. Who doesn’t want that? It’s called JOY and you deserve a path it.”
“Do I?”
“Why wouldn’t you?”
“Can I just have a hug? That seems like what I need most right now.”
“You know what? They say that’s a perfect idea too.”
That’s an example of the best kind of fixing and shame dodging. So often we don’t know what to say or do for others. More often, we don’t know how to receive help or what we need.
There’s a famous cartoon in which a small animal falls down a hole. A giraffe comes along and calls down to say, “Want a sandwich?” That’s sympathy and “fixing” in a way that the giraffe decides is best. Useful if the little friend is hungry, but otherwise, meh. Then a bear comes along and puts a ladder down the hole. She climbs down, puts her arm around the animal and says, “I know this is hard. I’ll just be here with you.” That’s empathy. It’s present, practical, without a hero complex, and non-shaming. It lets the friend think it through as needed.
Ultimately, what we need most is empathy and to be free to be human, to feel we are enough and that we are capable of healing ourselves. Good helpers guide us toward finding all that. Good receivers allow that in. No shame.
How do we ask for help without feeling like we’re putting someone out?
A) Here are some non-threatening ways to ask for a shoulder to lean on:
- Honestly, I’m struggling lately. Can I bend your ear? What’s a good time?
- I’m having a hard time, I just need to vent and you’re a great, non-judgmental listener. Is there a time that works for you?
- I’ve actually been overwhelmed by something lately. Can I run it by you when you have a moment?
- I may not even know how to articulate it, but I’ve been obsessed about an issue bothering me. Can I vent?
- I’m having a hard time getting going lately. Would you help me commit to a time to get some help?
If processing your hard times with a friend feels like too much, how about asking for help finding a professional in a safe, clinical setting. Going together the first time can also be helpful, or at least be together when you make that phone call. (See resources below)
B) If the help you need is physical acts of labor, remember that people love to be useful, and they are busy. Schedule it rather than hoping you two will just get around to it. Make it fun with food, music, or a nice walk after doing the work.
You deserve a path to joy and feeling fully alive. Reach out and make a plan together to get help and to give it back.
We’re all better and stronger together.
We’ll see you on the PATH Ahead.
Resources For Immediate Help:
- Invest EAP Counseling: Clinical Line: 1-866-287-2173 | 24/7 Line: 1-866-660-9533 | Supervisor hotline: 1-888-392-0050 | investeap.org
- Progress Coaching: Request a coach on the PATH website (log into your account and click “Progress Coaching”)
- National Crisis Hotline: Dial 988
- Crisis Text Line: United States: Text HOME or HOLA to 741741 | Canada: Text CONNECT to 686868 | crisistextline.org
- Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Helpline: 1-800-662-4357 | samhsa.gov