“Something that is loved is never lost.”
The extraordinary Nobel laureate, Toni Morrison, passed away this week. Shonda Rhimes (television writer/producer) made the sweet statement, “Genius has moved on.”
Indeed.
And even though we didn’t know her personally, we feel as though we’ve lost a friend.
This week’s challenge is to rekindle a friendship. Why? Well, that feeling of being connected and supported actually matters in terms of our health. We feel that most profoundly when we lose a friend. And if the quality of that friendship is notable, the happiness it brings is indelible.
Toni Morrison was passionate about friendship doing its best to lift us out of despair; that we are inextricably driven toward each other and love. After all, she said, “The function of freedom is to free someone else.”
About her work, she told The New Yorker (2003), “What was driving me to write was the silence — so many stories untold and unexamined.”
Stories are powerful medicine in friendship, and we thank her for telling so many good ones on our behalf. The stories we tell make us real, fully alive. When we share these stories, especially the hard ones, we sift out the pain while the joy or hope that remains multiplies. Most of all, as someone listens, we know we are not alone.
“She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It’s good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.” ― Toni Morrison, The Pieces I Am
Think about it. How great is it when you’re able to download the story of a tough situation? Your shoulders drop, colors suddenly seem more vibrant and you begin to reclaim clarity on a path forward. As you recount your plight, and a friend lets out a hearty laugh, or a reassuring, validating nod, your heart literally opens while the vice grip on your head topples.
Of course that’s all anecdote right?
Actually, the folks at Harvard University have decent proof that powerful friends make for powerful cures.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development began in 1938. It is the longest running study of its kind at 80 years old. They’ve studied hundreds of adults through their lifespan and are now looking at their offspring and spouses. The revelation of the research found that the most protective factor for health was quality relationships.
That’s right, it wasn’t cholesterol, is wasn’t quitting smoking, it wasn’t even physical activity, though all these things matter, just not nearly as much.
The study reports that the people who were the most satisfied in their relationships seem to have a robust buffer against disease; specifically they experienced less physical pain, their memories stayed sharper longer and they had less memory decline.
Even countless researchers who poured over the data were surprised. “When the study began, nobody cared about empathy or attachment. But the key to healthy aging is relationships, relationships, relationships,” said George Vaillant, the study director from 1972-2004.
“No matter how hard we try to ignore it, the mind always knows truth and wants clarity.” ― Toni Morrison, God Help the Child
What’s the advice of the current research?
“So this message, that good, close relationships are good for our health and well-being, this is wisdom that’s as old as the hills. Why is this so hard to get and so easy to ignore? Well, we’re human. What we’d really like is a quick fix…. Relationships are messy and they’re complicated and the hard work of tending to family and friends, it’s not sexy or glamorous. It’s also lifelong. It never ends. The people in our 75-year study who were the happiest in retirement were the people who had actively worked to replace workmates with new playmates.” ― Dr. Robert Waldinger, study director, TED talk 2015.
“You do not deserve love just because you want it. You can only earn – by practice and careful contemplations – the right to express it and you have to learn how to accept it. Love is not a gift. It is a diploma.” ― Toni Morrison,
“Over and Over, our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships, with family, with friends, with community. The good life is built with good relationships.”
— Dr. Robert Waldinger,
“Love just seems to make life not just livable, but a gallant, gallant event.” ― Toni Morrison [Goodnight sweet poet. Thank you for all your gifts. You will never be lost.]
Lean in, do the work, and reap the benefits.
See you on the PATH Ahead,
Gillian and the PATH Team (Shevonne, Amy, Ashley and all the VEHI folks)